I'd wear matching sweaters with you
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
