if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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