I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
