I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
