he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
