Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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