Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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