Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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