oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
