you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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