There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
