Dude my mom stole all your condoms
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
