My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Randomize
