Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
