never play flip cup with pint glasses
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
