Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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