I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
