...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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