he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
