Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
