I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
