You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
