my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
