I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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