mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
