I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm passing your future prison.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
