You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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