dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
