Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
