Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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