You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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