You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
