Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Randomize
