are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
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he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
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I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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