So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
