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I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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