mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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