Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
