Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
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