It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
