That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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