you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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