My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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