I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
