I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
