I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
