And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
