Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
