yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Randomize
