if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
