I only kidnapped one of them. chill
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
