I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
