she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
