my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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