Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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